Starting another CHAPter…

In the remaining chapters of my life, I believe I'll be steering clear of fixed, hard, steeled-up, loud, bristly, fundamentalist, opinionated people. You know those folks who believe THEY know and worse, that THEY're right. Porcupines, in other words. The mean people. Yes, I know, hurt people tend to hurt people, but I'm opting instead for a diet of flexible, warm, curious, inviting, still growing after all these years, teddy bears of the human race. The ones that leave a residue of love in their wake. Perhaps I can manage to love the porcupines, but I certainly won't be inviting them near nor will I grant them much of an audience.

For you see, it was they at whose hand I was bullied, kicked, punched, spit on, molested, marginalized, shamed, made fun of, emotionally abused, unwanted, unheard, unloved, unlovable, by-passed, snuffed out, and worse, much of this was done (I am so sorry to report) in church.

By the time I was 8, not-enoughness was so ingrained in me that it was necessary to disassociate from my body in order to survive. It was just too painful to be alive. Thus began the use then the abuse of alcohol. I found in alcohol a friend that granted me such exquisite numbness that I didn't have to feel the denigration in which I was submerged to the point of drowning.

It was then I began handing over piece by precious piece of what today has become my most prized possession, ME. From that moment on, it was not I who lived in this body of flesh and bone but a sack of conditioned reflexes and neural patterns. I took my cues for how to move, feel, and be from what I saw outside. TODAY, I blame no one, no thing, no establishment and especially not God. 

Not so sure why, reading my fav rebel's  blog today Stuff That Needs To Be Said clarity is arising. Tho my perspective of God has changed drastically (thank God), I now understand that it is the Presence of God I yearn for and that somehow, I have had access to this Presence all along. Simple right, just flip a switch, get the Windex out, clean the lens, turn a cheek, new perspective... perhaps, but not likely. Now, the process of uncovering, peeling away all the layers of muck and mire, and dissolving obscurations begins. 

She is waiting for me and SHE is so very WORTHY...

Suzy circa 1963

This is totally new ground, I'm sharing as I go, I haven't got a clue what my life looks like from here, but I'm headed there nonetheless. I'm answering the call I hear in the distant me that beckons me to be transparent, to love what's in front of me, to open to every moment, to be creative and to teach what I know. In that vein, I will practice here to capture the journey reaching towards the Autumn of my life.

l8r, Susan Rees
p.s. It is very important to open to beauty and likewise, not to recoil from that which isn't always comfortable. Borrowing from my friend, Ron, I shall endeavor to "cuddle-up" to whatEVER comes up.

Hi, my name is Susan and I am a PROgressive...

I'll begin at the beginning of the past 7-year cycle...

7 years ago life brought me to my knees and dumped me in a place not unlike Dante's "In the middle of the road of my life I awoke in a dark wood, where the TRUE way was wholly lost."

November 2007 I found myself ALONE for the first time in my life and seriously doubted my ability to exist. I didn't trust life or myself and for a long, long time doubt pulled me under the waves and breakers over and over and over again. It was as Voltaire described, "Doubt is not a pleasant state of mind but certainty is absurd." Doubt sucked, certainly absolutely proved absurd, and nothing made sense.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease from which I have been in recovery for as long as I can remember. It is my experience that a progressive recovery is required to live the life I wish to lean into. I will never be satisfied just sans alcohol. At best, without PROgressive tools, this dis-EASE allows the Mild Misery River to course through my veins; at worst, it makes life unlivable.

I'd recently been stuck cocooning, on the couch, watching every episode of the series du jour and could not, no matter  how much I willed it, get up and DO. And though I knew the answer, my yoga was sparse, meditation was difficult and I was helpless. I couldn't rally, couldn't get my butt in gear. It was as if my "want to" had abandoned me and I was left with vapors of desire and no "oomph".

Earlier this summer, I began to sense that something was incubating, then stirring, and most recently bubbling to the surface. I've put on weight and feel some guilt for my couch-potatoness, but all the while I have practiced self-compassion.  This past weekend proved the "piece de resistance" in the form of Jill Kelly and her book "Sober Play." 

I attended her "Sober Play" retreat which has proved transformational. Something in me has shifted. Had I not been willing to "PROgress" and try something new, I suspect I'd be stuck on the couch and definitely not have started this blog. Since I would not have had a prompt from Jill to, "get the sewing machine out of the box" I would not have an appointment at Tidewater Sew n'Vac Saturday at 1pm for a lesson. Did I mention it's never been out of the box in the 2 years since I purchased it. ::blushing::

I'm sure the women I met and bonded with will be a part of my path for a long time to come. And what a gift I received when during the retreat, cLARity arose and said, "hey, you're a PROgressive.” The thought sort of plagued me, but it's true, I looked it up – synonyms too! I am broad-minded, open-minded, enlightened, tolerant, radical, adaptive… showing continuing action, trying new or unusual ideas, growing, accelerating, increasing, escalating, developing gradually or in stages. Hey, that's me!

It has taken time, willingness and an entire entourage to be sure, but with the love and encouragement, from far too many friends to name for fear of leaving one out, I have not only survived, but am coming out the other end of the darkness transformed. Though we walk the path and do the work ourselves, we do require help.

I have listened to my heart sing, allowed my “sand to settle and my water to clear” and my intention is to write the remaining chapters of my life outRAGEOUS, outLOUD, CURious and COLORful from my HEART...

I expect there will be more of this...

l8r, Susan Rees
p.s. Meaningful resources for me are: AA, Kyczy Hawk @ Yoga Recovery, Carrie Coppola of Mudita Yoga who introduced me to David Whyte, Mary Oliver and Pema Chödrön, leading me to Chögyam Trungpa and Shambhala Durham, and finally, Ron Chapman my teacher in the flesh of Breathwork, Progressive Recovery and SeeingTrue.