In the remaining chapters of my life, I believe I'll be steering clear of fixed, hard, steeled-up, loud, bristly, fundamentalist, opinionated people. You know those folks who believe THEY know and worse, that THEY're right. Porcupines, in other words. The mean people. Yes, I know, hurt people tend to hurt people, but I'm opting instead for a diet of flexible, warm, curious, inviting, still growing after all these years, teddy bears of the human race. The ones that leave a residue of love in their wake. Perhaps I can manage to love the porcupines, but I certainly won't be inviting them near nor will I grant them much of an audience.
For you see, it was they at whose hand I was bullied, kicked,
punched, spit on, molested, marginalized, shamed, made fun of, emotionally
abused, unwanted, unheard, unloved, unlovable, by-passed, snuffed out, and worse, much of this was done (I am so sorry to report) in church.
By the time I was 8, not-enoughness was so ingrained in me that it was necessary to disassociate from my body in order to survive. It was just too painful to be alive. Thus began the use then the abuse of alcohol. I found in alcohol a friend that granted me such exquisite numbness that I didn't have to feel the denigration in which I was submerged to the point of drowning.
It was then I began handing over piece by precious piece of what today has become my most prized possession, ME. From that moment on, it was not I who lived in this body of flesh and bone but a sack of conditioned reflexes and neural patterns. I took my cues for how to move, feel, and be from what I saw outside. TODAY, I blame no one, no thing, no establishment and especially not God.
Not so sure why, reading my fav rebel's blog today Stuff That Needs To Be Said clarity is arising. Tho my perspective of God has changed drastically (thank God), I now understand that it is the Presence of God I yearn for and that somehow, I have had access to this Presence all along. Simple right, just flip a switch, get the Windex out, clean the lens, turn a cheek, new perspective... perhaps, but not likely. Now, the process of uncovering, peeling away all the layers of muck and mire, and dissolving obscurations begins.
She is waiting for me and SHE is so very WORTHY...
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| Suzy circa 1963 |
This is totally new ground, I'm sharing as I go, I haven't got a clue what my life looks like from here, but I'm headed there nonetheless. I'm answering the call I hear in the distant me that beckons me to be transparent, to love what's in front of me, to open to every moment, to be creative and to teach what I know. In that vein, I will practice here to capture the journey reaching towards the Autumn of my life.
l8r, Susan Rees
p.s. It is very important to open to beauty and likewise, not to recoil from that which isn't always comfortable. Borrowing from my friend, Ron, I shall endeavor to "cuddle-up" to whatEVER comes up.
p.s. It is very important to open to beauty and likewise, not to recoil from that which isn't always comfortable. Borrowing from my friend, Ron, I shall endeavor to "cuddle-up" to whatEVER comes up.
